More and more teenagers are mouthing off and disrespecting their parents like never before while the world sits back as if the behavior doesn't even exist. I never knew that the release of my new book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How to Deal with Teenage Issues would increase my parenting consulting business. I have more clients than ever before, and no matter what the situation is, they almost all have to do with some sort of behavior issue. All my clients have concluded that their teenagers are not behaving appropriately.
Being a high school teacher in South Central, Los Angeles for well over a decade makes me know all too well about teenager's with behavior issues. From disrespectful students with a little too much lip, violent students, or the mischievous teens who like to steal cars and money for fun, there isn't an issue alive that I haven't dealt with or personally witnessed. So in my attempts to try to understand why there are so many "hard to deal with" teenagers, I asked the one group that knows more about "hard to deal with teenagers" than Oprah, Dr, Phil, and myself put together. I asked a group of "hard to deal with" teens.
After talking to several teens that have all admitted to talking back to their parents, disrespecting their household, and in some cases physically and verbally assaulting their parents or siblings in the house, I learned something very shocking. Every student said they do these things because their aren't any compelling reasons not to. The parents haven't set the standard that they shouldn't do it. So why not?Of course, the underlying reason for them doing these things is because there is a bigger issue going on with the teen that may or may not have anything to do with the parent. So in order for parents to eliminate this behavior they need to first do two things...
1. Give the child a compelling reason to stop the behavior.
2. Open up communication to find out the root cause of the behavior and begin treating that problem.
In my last period class, my group of tenth graders were very talkative. After two intense days of learning and an early dismissal day today, my students were more focused on socializing then on their assignment when they realized class would be over in less than ten minutes. With little success, most of the students continued to talk more and more as it became closer for them to leave the campus for the day, and no matter what, there was little I was able to do to get the entire class to be completely silent until the students realized that Ms. Dillon never dismisses a talkative class. Beginning day one of the school year, I implemented a rule that says...
"The bell does not dismiss you, I dismiss you. The bell is simply a signal for me to dismiss the class when I see fit. A talkative class is not fit to be dismissed."
When the dismissal bell rang, silence fell upon the classroom. The classroom was so quiet that I was able to hear the ceiling lights. Even the most unruly students can behave when they have a compelling enough reason. In this case, the compelling reason was that school was out and they wanted to leave the campus. As long as there is a compelling enough reason, I can get any teenager to do behave and follow the rules. The skills comes in knowing what the compelling reason is for each teen. Find something compelling enough to get a teen to be respectful and well behaved, and the problems with the teenager will begin to cease. Once that starts the second step to work on the root of the problem behavior which will ultimately result in the child being well behaved.
It's time to transform our teenagers. I witness teens everyday who talk constantly, do drugs, engage in promiscuous sex, and have a bad attitude around the house with their parents and yet they have the latest gadgets such as cellphones, ipods, video games, designer shoes, purses, make-up, and expensive hair weave that hangs down their back in a variety of different hair colors. (Yes, I mentioned hair weave!) My students have admitted that they will do anything for their parents to continue to give them these items but since they don't have to do anything for them-they don't!
Some parents say that if they take their child's phone, iPod, make-up, or hair weave, the backlash would be so bad that they would rather just let the child have their way. As parents and as adults, we have to set some standards with our teenagers and then stick to them. When we stick to our standards we see results, but if we let our guard down, teens will take it as a sign that it's their world and they can do whatever they want. At the end of the day, if your children aren't acting right, your first line of defense is to give them a compelling reason to act right. Then, get to the root of the teen's problem so the misbehaving teen can transform into a well behaving teen. Being a parent is a hard job and you deserve to have children that act right. I'm cheering for you and if you need help, don't hesitate to contact Shira Dillon's Parenting Consultancy today!
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