Mother/Daughter Relationships: Time for an Honest Evaluation!

On April 29, 2013 I discovered that a mother in the UK forced her 14 year old daughter to get pregnant because the mother desperately wanted another baby of her own. Since she was unable, the mom pressured her young daughter to have a baby for her.  The mother already had three children. The mother purchased sperm over the Internet and used a syringe to impregnate her daughter with the sperm. It worked, but the daughter lost the baby. After the miscarriage, the mother forced her daughter to go through the entire process again, and this time the daughter gave birth to a baby boy.

Why on earth would a mother ask her 14 yr. old daughter to do such a thing?  And why did the 14 year girl reluctantly agree? When I presented this true story to a group of 15 year old girls, their answers were very startling.

"She wanted to gain approval from her mom.  She wanted more love from her mother, and having a baby for her mother was just the act that made her think that perhaps she can finally get the love she wanted." They all explained.

This is exactly what the now teenage mother said her reasons were for allowing her mother to impregnate her so her mother can deceptively raise her daughter's child as her own son.

What is it about mother-daughter relationships that's leaving so many of our young teenagers emotionally damaged and feeling unloved in life.  There is an overwhelmingly amount of students that I taught over the past 15 years that all had some issues with their mother.  Ironically, I noticed that many stories in my new self-help book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues include stories where their is a problem or the underlying barrier in the problem is the mother /daughter relationship.  This include my own stories I share with my own mom. Of course our barrier was due to her poor health, nevertheless like many of my students, I wasn't satisfied with the amount of love I received from my mother and was effected by it even while trying to understand her illness.  I've noticed that daughters who have fathers can feel love and becomes daddy's little girl despite what many of the dad's imperfections are as a parent. However, when it comes to the mother, oftentimes there is an issue where the daughter does not feel loved enough while the mother doesn't feel appreciated by the daughter. These two perceptions of lack that the mother and daughter experience may result in bigger issues in the relationship.

Some of the most common problems that occur in mother-daughter relationships include...

1.  Jealousy/Competition
2. Physical and Verbal Abuse
3. Favoritism amongst Other Siblings
4. Issues with the "New Man" in the Mother's Life
5. Establishing a Friendship Relationship instead of a Parental Relationship


There's so much emotional and psychological damage that can occur from an impaired mother-daughter relationship that can result in so many other teen issues that it can take an entire lifetime to recover for both parent and child. Wouldn't it make sense to evaluate your relationships with your mother or daughter regularly to make sure that these common problems do not fester into serious issues that will cost you a lot of love, a lot of money, and a lot of lost time.

So in order to keep some of the most common mother-daughter problems under control, I will leave you a tip that will get you well on your way to improve the quality of the mother-daughter relationship.

                               Know Your Role, Accept Your Role, and Play Your Part!

There is no need for the parent and daughter to be jealous of one another. They are not in the same category and competition should not even be a thought.  Parents must learn that they cannot live vicariously through their children and children must know that they cannot be their parent. Yes, daughter's inspire to be like their mom when they are young, but it is the mother's job to cultivate the daughter into her own unique and beautiful self.  No matter how great a mother looks for their age, they are still the mom.  No matter how young a mother was when they gave birth to their daughter, they are still the parent. Act like it!

 When raising a child, there's no time for being best friends. Establishing a parental relationship with your child instead of trying to be their friend is a great way to keep the roles in tact.  Being the mother gives the adult authority in the mother-daughter relationship, but it does not give the mother permission to verbally or physically abuse their children.  Children imitate what they see, and if the mother spend time abusing their authority, rest assured that the daughter will eventually dismiss the mom's authority and lose all respect for the her.  When this happens, it will result in a broken relationship that will serve as the base of many more problems to come.

Don't wait until things explode to do your work and fix your life. Start by honestly facing the issues that you and your teen is experiencing and begin repairing things today.  There's too much at stake not to.

To further this conversation on mother-daughter relationships leave a comment below.

To check out the new self-help book that covers issues like these and many more universal teenage issues Click Here!

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GABBY DOUGLAS and THE GOLDEN RULE!

Remember Gabby Douglas, the first African American female who won a gold medal in gymnastics at the Olympics in 2012? Do you also remember how her history making performance somehow got turned into a conversation about her hair? When I first heard of the absurd remarks about this talented and remarkable young girl, slogans from my childhood began to resound loudly in my head.

                       If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all!

                                         Don't judge a book by its cover.

                                         What goes around comes around.
                       
                                              Think before you speak!

                              Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated!


The last one is looked upon as The Golden Rule and it reminds me of the love your neighbor as yourself scripture in the bible which is considered the Great Commandment.

Yet, from birth we are a group of humans that are me, me, me oriented. Everything is about us and we make life so much about us that we don't even know how to put other people before ourselves.  We actually have to be taught this.  Study any young child. Children spend their life thinking about what they can eat, what they can play with, and how can they stay up past their bedtime.  Toddlers all around the world know how to scream the words "Mine!" but must be taught how to share.  When kids play a game, they play to win.  The "It doesn't matter rather you win or lose, it's how you play the game." slogan doesn't fly with most kids.  They have to be taught that its okay for someone else to win and some grown folks still doesn't agree with the statement.

The same thing goes for adults.  Being an adult that is now in my thirties, (where did the time go?) I noticed that the issues that we all face as an adult wouldn't even be issues at all, if we would adhere to the golden rule.  Issues such as name calling, back biting, gossiping, cheating, stealing, physical abuse, hating, jealousy, being stingy and the desire to see other's fail have no place in the lives in someone who follows the Golden Rule.

Yet, there's not a day that goes by that I'm not able to see these exact issues going on on FB, in the news, on television shows, and on my own job as school teacher.  Life can sometimes appear like we are all crabs in a crab barrel;  not only do we pull each other down, but we talk about each other, beat each other up, and tear at a the legs, hoping that they can never get to the top and out of the crab barrel.

That's what the world witnessed happen to Gabby Douglas.  A very beautiful and young crab crawled out the crab barrel (at a very young age) and instead of rejoicing and celebrating her accomplishments, a large number of people ignored the golden rule and found something negative to say.  Instead of celebrating the extreme discipline, talent, work ethic, perseverance, dedication, and mind control a young person must have to accomplish such an achievement that the majority of people will never accomplish in a lifetime, people searched high and low to find something negative to say. I for one will say there are many times when my hair doesn't look like I stepped off a set of a glamour photo shoot. Nor does it always need to be. There is a time and a place for everything and I was so proud that Gabby knew how to prioritize and chose what was most important.  Training, eating right, making sacrifices, and putting all that she has into her talent, getting to the Olympics, and bringing home the gold is what was important.  We can learn a lot about success, dedication, and class from this fascinating teenager Gabby Douglas.  In addition to being the first and youngest African American Olympic Gold Medalist Gymnast, she is also someone who practices the Golden Rule.  Treat others the way you would want to be treated.  Even when she had the opportunity to respond to her critics, Gabby turned the other cheek and took the high road.

Just think, if we all followed the Golden Rule, there would be no school bullies, no songs/shirts about haters, no random shootings, no city bombings, and no conversations about a teenage Olympic Gold Medalist's hair. I'm sure when you accomplish something great, you want people to be happy for you at the very least.  As a human race, we hate to be judged, talked about and condemned, especially during one of the highest moments of our life.  And if we don't want anyone to treat us this way, what gives us the right to treat a young teenage girl like this?  I'm challenging every adult to step up.  Let's set the example of the golden rule with our teenagers because they are watching us. Once we begin to be the change that needs to take place in the world, the young people in our lives will follow suite.

                                 For more writings from Shira Dillon click here.


Shira Dillon is a high school teacher in South, Central Los Angeles. Shira has over 15 years experience working with teenagers and is an expert with helping them and their parents deal with teenage issues. Ms. Dillon is the author of the book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues that share true stories from the authors life, as well as true stories from teenagers and how they deal with their problems. Order the book by going to www.heyiwantthatbook.blogspot.com For a consultation, email me at shiradillo@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter @ShiraNicole

How to Train A Child In the Way He Should Go

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

I use to hear this proverb all the time growing up in the small town of Gary, Indiana where the culture of the city during the 80's and 90's was a church going culture.  Parents may not have followed the Ten Commandments, but when it came to parenting, train a child in the way he should go, was only second to the frequent saying "Spare the rod, spoil the child." (Proverbs 13:24)

As a high school teacher, there's so many habits that my teenagers already have in place. It is when they are young children that the parenting stage is so crucial. As a parent to a 5yr. old, I know first hand how important it is to build a solid foundation.  However, with there being no perfect children on this earth, no perfect parents, and no perfect humans, does it make the claim from this old proverb false?

I honesty feel that one of the main problems that we all suffer as humans, as parents, and as people who interact and form relationships with others is the bogus concept that we are not suppose to make mistakes.  Growing up in the church as a little child, the perspective that I walked away with each Sunday after service is that there was a set of rules, and I had to follow them. If I broke these set of rules, there will be dire consequences. These consequences included things like whoppings, verbal abuse, family and friends permanently rejecting me, and the possibility of death with eternal damnation in a lake of fire.  I was terrified!

I would not recommend this type of upbringing to anyone.  It is rooted in fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) and not in love.  Instead, the best parenting is done when the parents live everything that they "preach." The "Do as I say not as I do" method of parenting is ineffective.  When parents model the correct way to live, the children will ultimately do the same thing.  This does not mean that the child will never make any mistakes, nor does this mean that the child will not lose its way.  This may happen. There's no way anyone can guarantee that a person will not make a mistake because no one is perfect.  However, we can ensure that as parents, if we put in the work while they are young, and build a foundation, if the child gets off course it will most certainly find its way back.

"Training a child is like installing a GPS in a car. There's still a chance they'll get lost, but they have been equipped to find their way home."-Shira Dillon

                                     Click Here For More Quotes Like These!

                    Five Tips To Help You Train Your Child In The Way They Should Go!

1.  Love- At the end of the day we live our life, we experience emotions, and we make our decisions based on love or fear.  Teach your child how to live a life of love. "For there are these three thing that endure: Faith, Hope, and Love, but the greatest of these is Love." (1Corinth 13:13)

2. Forgiveness- For some people, forgiving others is a difficult thing to do.  In life, we get hurt, people do us wrong, and cause an unimaginable amount of pain. Yet, when we choose the high road of forgiveness we live a better life than one who dwells in anger and bitterness.  Forgiving others is more about you having a great life than it ever is about the person who once hurt you. Choosing to not forgive is like carrying a 500lb. man on your back. When you fall, he doesn't hit the ground the but you're left completely broken.

3. Gratitude- Being grateful keeps us focus on what we have and not on what we don't have. Often times when people become severely stressed, depressed, and disruptive its because their attention is on themselves and what they don't like about their life.  Teaching a child how to be thankful is a skill that will make a remarkable difference in the quality of their life.  "In every thing give thanks."                     (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

4. Morals- As parents it's our job to live a life with good morals.  Webster Dictionary defines the word moral as expressing or teaching the concept of right or wrong behavior.  In other words, set some standards, create some boundaries. In order to train a child in the way he should go, parents must make it clear what right behavior and wrong behavior is and influence our child to want to do what's right on their own.

5. Contribution- This tip teaches our children that we have a personal responsibility to positively impact the lives of others.  Our time on this earth is not just for our entertainment purposes only. Each person needs to have an invested interest to contribute to the lives of others without expecting anything in return. A person who dedicates a portion in their life to help others is a person who is on their way to being someone whose life has made a dramatic impact on the earth.

In short, all five tips to train a child in the way he should go deals with teaching our children to take their attention off themselves and to put it on others.  Extraordinary people are extra ordinary people whom have put aside the selfish, narcissistic behavior we have at birth, and has exchanged it for an unconditional, agape love that says I will treat people the way I want to be treated. "Love thy neighbor as yourself." (Mark 12:31)

                             For more effective parenting tips from Shira click here!


Shira Dillon is a high school teacher in South, Central Los Angeles. Shira has over 15 years experience working with teenagers and is an expert with helping them and their parents deal with teenage issues. Ms. Dillon is the author of the book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues that share true stories from the authors life, as well as true stories from teenagers and how they deal with their problems. For more information about the book go to www.heyiwantthatbook.blogspot.com For a consultation, email me at shiradillon@gmail.com 
Follow me on Twitter @ShiraNicole

DMX on Iyanla's Fix My Life: Stop Shifting The Blame!

Welcome to my new blog.!!! My name is Shira Dillon and I am a high school teacher in Los Angeles, CA. This blog will explore the mind and life of teenagers today and help adults better connect with them. Please come by often or subscribe so you can receive these bogs by email. And don't forget to Like My Facebook Fan Page to unite with me to help public education become a better institution of learning. Our children need it!

As humans, we have a tendency to not take responsibility for our actions when they aren't as pleasing as we want them to be.  When we are kids, we blame our siblings and our peers. As adults, we often blame our parents.  The christians blame it on the devil, and the "Foxx's" of the world blame it on the alcohol.  However, one of the most refreshing statements one can utter is "It's my fault." The first step on the road to fixing one's life is to accept responsibility for our own actions.

As I watched DMX (Dark Man Unknown) on Iyanla's "Fix My Life" Saturday, April 13, 2013 on OWN I was heartbroken that a rapper that once sold 30 million albums was on television acting a down right fool.  What was even worst was his unwillingness to take responsibility for his own actions.  Everything was about his past, that his mom sent him away when he was seven, and he was doing drugs before his career took off, etc. etc. etc.  All those things may be true, but it is time to stop shifting the blame and start taking responsibility for our actions. 

                              To learn how to take responsiblity for your actions click here

After appearing on the show, DMX  made a statement that Iyanla made him look bad on her show.  No sir, you and your drugs made you look bad on her show.  Stop Shifting The Blame. DMX has lost his mind, and say this with all the love I can. It is his fault. That is the real story but it does not have to be the end of his story.

There's a saying that goes "Your rituals equals your results." As a school teacher, I run a workshop with my students that carries the title of the same saying.  Whatever results you have in your life, good or bad, you reap overtime based on your daily rituals. When you look at a student who has a daily ritual of going to school everyday and on time, the direct result from that will be perfect attendance. Now the school may not acknowledge perfect attendance of the child right away, but before the end of the year, the student will get a certificate, trophy, or be acknowledge at a school assembly for perfect attendance.

 So what does this show us?

It shows that we don't always see the results immediately, but overtime we will see the results.  Ladies and gentleman, I encourage you if you haven't done so to check out the premiere of Iyanla's Fix My Life with DMX. A fast life of drugs, promiscuity, and snapping off at folks has landed him in what I call a state of emergency.  While I watched, I was able to see that he was in a lot of pain, and has caused a lot of pain in the lives of his family. However, he couldn't accept that as truth and didn't  allow Iyanla to talk, let alone "fix" him.  The root of his pain is a parenting issue based on something that happened to him as a young boy. His mom sent him away due to having discipline problems at age seven. In his 40+ year old adult mind, bad behavior equals not being loved. And he desparately wants to be loved. That was obvious.  However, he is not loving to people, he will not own up to his mistakes, and he uses his loud voice, evil words, and blatant disrespect as a defense mechanism.

At the end of the day, DMX's daily rituals overtime has resulted in the behavior that thousands of viewers witnessed on April 13th. DMX is responsible for losing his mind and he has slip, fallen, and now cannot get up. We have to take ownership for our choices. We all make bad choices! It's Okay! Stop Shifting The Blame! We must learn to take ownership of our mistakes so other's can help us get back up and get our mind back. Making a mistake and being "out of order" is not the end of the world. If we are truthful, every human on earth has made some rough decisions. The decision DMX made to not give up drugs to have a relationship was the worst, but it does not mean that we should turn our backs on him.  It does not mean that their father/son relationship cannot be prepared. It does mean that DMX will have to, as Iyanla would say, DO HIS WORK. And that means taking responsiblity, getting his mind back, and allowing his supporters to pray, encourage, and cheer for his success.

For more info about proper parenting and how to deal with issues before they get out of control click below.                                                      
                                        
                                                           http://tinyurl.com/d3lkaue

Shira Dillon is a high school teacher in South, Central Los Angeles. Shira has over 15 years experience working with teenagers and is an expert with helping them and their parents deal with teenage issues. Ms. Dillon is the author of the book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues that share true stories from the authors life, as well as true stories from teenagers and how they deal with their problems. For more information about the book go to www.heyiwantthatbook.blogspot.com For a consultation, email me at shiradillo@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter @ShiraNicole

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Teen Pregnancy: It Can Happen!

Welcome to my new blog.!!! My name is Shira Dillon and I am a high school teacher in Los Angeles, CA. This blog will explore the mind and life of teenagers today and help adults better connect with them. Please come by often or subscribe so you can receive these bogs by email. And don't forget to like my FB page www.facebook.com/ParentsTeachersandTeens to unite with me to help public education become a better institution of learning. Our children need it!

I have taught in middle and high schools in the Mid-West in the state of Indiana and on the West Coast in the state of California and there is one topic that has always been the same.  Sex!  Students in both middle and high schools are having sex and many of these kids are becoming pregnant.  I have taught grades 6th-12th and I have had students to become pregnant every single year in every single grade. I have known stories of fifth grade girls in elementary becoming pregnant, and I can honestly say that I hardly ever meet the parents of these pregnant kids.  When I do get a chance to meet the parents, they are often very nice, well to do people, who always say the same thing.  "I Never Thought This Could Happen To My Child!"

The truth is teen pregnancy is not a "bad kid" issue. It's just an issue.  Unexpected pregnancy doesn't stop at the teenage years because many responsible adults unexpectedly become pregnant daily. So why is it as parents we fool ourselves into thinking it will never happen to our kids. Why couldn't it? Because you have screamed, yelled, and made threats of what you would do if they ever bring a baby home.  Sorry, no number of loud threats will keep your child from having sex when every human hormonal desire they possess is saying to do it.  It is important to talk to your children about safe-sex, the value of their virginity, and how to use appropriate contraceptives.

The vast majority of my sexually active students say they don't use protection because they fear what their parent will do if they find out they are active.  Still some say, they have parents that do not care so since the parent doesn't care, then why should they.  I once had a student who had gotten pregnant in 6th grade by a fifteen year old boy.  In her situation, her parents were very elderly and had no clue what was going on in their child's life or time period.  They ignored all the signs of her being sexually active in hopes that doing nothing will someone make the situation not real. Ignoring the signs = ignorance.  When you see an elephant in your room, address it!

In a nutshell, Our Rituals = Our Results.  Whatever results you receive with your child transpires from the things your child does regularly.  If your child comes to school on time everyday (ritual) your child will have perfect attendance and might receive a certificate or another form of recognition for it.  We reap what we so.  Many teens are having sex. Many of them are having unprotected sex quite frequently.  When this happens, there's no room for "how did this happen?" Rituals=Result is how it happened.  Unfortunately, sometimes teenagers get pregnant their first time. It can happen! For some, it happens sooner than later, but for certain, if our child continuously practice the ritual of unprotected sex, pregnancy will result. 

It's time for us to stop making teen pregnancy such a taboo topic. It can happen.  And in the defense of  my students who are teen moms, they all love their child and thank God for them.  However, they also all admit that their teen years was not the right time to bring the baby in the world.  In my book, Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues, there are two different teen pregnancy stories from teenagers that I have taught which will blow the mind of anyone who reads them.  One girls shares the secret behind her pregnancy for the very first time, while another courageous student shares her entire diary documenting her teen pregnancy experiences.  It is my hope that you get this book, read these stories, and then give the book to your teenager to help them. This book is also a fantastic way to help bring up the topic of sex and teen pregnancy (as well as a host of other topics) to any kid, rather they are sexually active or not. "The Bird and the Bees" type stories are out.  Get Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues to help address the elephants they may be hiding in your household.  The truth is that teen pregnancy can happen. Get prepared before it happens to you/yours now!

                                 Click on the right side of the blog and order your book today!
                             For kindle version go to http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00C9SUKKQ

Shira Dillon is a high school teacher in South, Central Los Angeles. Shira has over 15 years experience working with teenagers and is an expert with helping them and their parents deal with teenage issues. Ms. Dillon is the author of the book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues that share true stories from the authors life, as well as true stories from teenagers and how they deal with their problems. For more information about the book go to www.heyiwantthatbook.blogspot.com For a consultation, email me at shiradillo@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter @ShiraNicole

Gang Proofing Your Kids! (Part 2)

Welcome to my new blog.!!! My name is Shira Dillon and I am a high school teacher in Los Angeles, CA. This blog will explore the mind and life of teenagers today and help adults better connect with them. Please come by often or subscribe so you can receive these bogs by email. And don't forget to like my FB page www.facebook.com/ParentsTeachersandTeens to unite with me to help public education become a better institution of learning. Our children need it!

I have spent the last several blogs discussing the 6 basic human needs and how we can apply them to our life for decision-making and self reflection.  We can also use the 6 basic human needs in order to improve our relationships with others.  In the simplest way to explain it, if we give people what they need in a positive way, we improve the quality of their life and the experience we have with them. 

As a teacher and parenting consultant, I have had conversations with parents wondering how they can keep their kids a way from gangs.  So I ask my clients what have they've already done towards gang proofing their kids and the answers are always the same.

Answer #1: "I told my child if they join a gang I was going to beat their butt!"

Answer #2 : I told my child if they join a gang I will put them out!"

Answer #3: "I made up a story about a boy who joined a gang and  how he got killed by one of his own gang members to scare him into not joining a gang."


It doesn't take a genius to realize that none of these answers are effective.  I'm sorry, but scare tactics are not effective ways to get someone to stop doing something. Honestly, by the time a child becomes a teenager, they won't stop doing anything permanently until they take ownership and want to stop.

So if you have a child that may get approached by a gang, the way to handle this situation is to make sure that your child does not need anything from the gang. If your child's six basic needs are being met in a positive and fulfilling way; the desire to join a gang will not be there.  When kids join gangs it is because the gang is fulfilling needs that they aren't getting at home, at school, or elsewhere.

Now, let's take a look at the six basic needs and how gangs can often fulfill these needs if they're aren't solid, foundational things in place.

                 6 Basic Human Needs and How A Gang Can NEGATIVELY Fulfill Them

1. Certainty- This is a need for comfort, security, and for things to be the same.  Gangs provide certainty for its members.  The comfort and security of being apart of something, the routine meet ups, and the gang banging activities all serve as a way to provide security for a child.

2. Uncertainty- The need for things to not be the same. The part of life that adds adventure and spice. Gang activities can provide a lot of excitement and adventure.  Adrenaline rushes through the body when gang members spontaneously get into a fight, tag on a wall, break into a house, or steal a car.  This isn't the good aspect of uncertainty, but it is uncertainty nonetheless.

3. Significance- This is the need to feel important and special.  I haven't met a gang member yet that didn't feel important.  Gang members are just as proud and aquire a sense of importance from a gang as a football player gets from being on a team, a fraternity member gets from being apart of a frat, and a religious person may get for being a "deacon" in the church.  We all need things in life that shows us we are important.  Have some positive things in place so that a gang cannot come and give your child significance.

4.  Connection/Love- This is the need to bond with other people and to feel love. This is one of humans greatest fears; to not be loved. So it is very important that our teenagers feel love.  Gangs make its members feel connected and loved.  They connect by spending great amounts of quality time together, they dress alike, get their hair shaved together, get tattoos, piercings, etc.  What make gangs so powerful is their ability to give its members a family. This family is a feeling of connection and love. A need that teenagers so vulnerably need.

5.  Growth - The need to grow and expand as a person. This isn't a physical growth, but a need to think and discover ways to evolve. The gang provides this.  It may not be the way you would like for a child to grow. Many times parents says things like, "I don't know you anymore Johnny, you've changed."  Exactly, Johnny has grown negatively because he is influenced by the gang.

6. Contribution- It truly is better to give than succeed.  Giving feels good.  This is the need to help someone or something and make a difference. I see students who are in gangs who love to have a friend come by the classroom and tell them to leave so they can all get together and contribute to stomping a boy into the ground.  A free "beat down" from your fellow gang members is contribution.  They extended their services to help out a friend.  Just in this one act a teen is meeting the need of contribution, connection/love, and uncertainty.  Let one boy be the best at beating down people and you have just added significance.  Four needs being met in a single gang-related act.

So now what?

A person only needs 3 of these basic needs to be fulfilled in order to be addicted to something. 

Ask a teen that you know if they are getting these 6 basic needs fulfilled at school? at home? at church? or in any other activites? If not, as soon as something else comes alone to fulfill atleast 3 of their needs, your teen will be addicted to whatever that something else is.

That's normally when parents call me.  My advice to you is to not wait until the child is in a gang. Let's begin now gang proofing our kids by making sure at least 3 or more of the 6 basic human needs are fulfilled.

Shira Dillon is a high school teacher in South, Central Los Angeles. Shira has over 15 years experience working with teenagers and is an expert with helping them and their parents deal with teenage issues. Ms. Dillon is the author of the book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues that share true stories from the authors life, as well as true stories from teenagers and how they deal with their problems. For more information about the book go to www.heyiwantthatbook.blogspot.comFor a consultation, email me at shiradillo@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter @ShiraNicole

Gang Proofing Your Kids! (Part 1)

 

Welcome to my new blog.!!! My name is Shira Dillon and I am a high school teacher in Los Angeles, CA. This blog will explore the mind and life of teenagers today and help adults better connect with them. Please come by often or subscribe so you can receive these bogs by email. And don't forget to like my FB page www.facebook.com/ParentsTeachersandTeens to unite with me to help public education become a better institution of learning. Our children need it!

It seems like society is always trying to put the blame on someone or something for the many teenage temptations that are swarming around our young people.  As a teacher, I hear people put the blame on us. As an entertainer, I hear that a lot of people put the blame on the celebrity names who are looked at as role models, but fail to do their part. As a parent, I hear people put the blame on us parents. So this morning, I decided to ask my students who's at fault when a child joins a gang.  The answer was unanimous! The students in unison all said THEIR PARENTS!

Wait, I know some of you all may be thinking that isn't fair.  I'm always involved with my child's life.  I am always at the school and participate in school activities.  I talk to my child all the time.  How in the world could my child join a gain? How can I be at fault for this?

The problem is there is ineffective communication between the teen and the parent.  I grew up in a household where no one talked to me about my life.  My students who say their parents talk to them about issues believe that their parent does more talking AT them then talking TO them.  As a result, the teenager begins to go into what I call auto-pilot. They respond  the way that they know you want them to respond and let you leave the conversation thinking you did your parenting duties for the day.

Your child then comes to school and shares what they really are thinking and feeling to their friends. If this keeps going on, by the late teenage years many parents begin to experience a "disconnect."  You know, when the child pretty much just eats and sleeps in the house. Your child becomes the teen that comes homes and gives you one word answers.

Parent: How was school today?
Child: Okay.
Parent: Did you have homework?
Child: No
Parent: Are you hungry?
Child: Not really.

That pretty much sums it up. The child then leaves to "go hang out" or if they have less freedom, they remain in the house and do their chores or other things that may be the ritual and routine for the home. Unfortunately, your teens needs aren't being met. And more unfortunately, when they aren't being met, things like sex, drugs, and even gangs become more enticing.  Yesterday's blog asked the question "Are YOUR needs being met?" It is just as important for teens as it is for all humans to get these 6 basic needs met. (Explanation of the needs can be found in yesterday's blog)

1. Certainty      2. Uncertainty    3. Significance    4. Connection/Love    5. Growth   6. Contribution

Is your home environment strongly and positively providing an opportunity for your child to get all these needs met? What would your child say? Most of my students said that their home is only providing two of these needs. Only two! They also said they would NEVER admit that to their parents.

There are so many other opportunities out there that strongly meet your child's needs. Some in a positive way and some in a negative way. One of these things is the opportunity to join a gang.  They are out there and know how to effectively meet these six needs for your child. 

Tomorrow's blog will break down exactly how gangs meet your child needs and what you can do to be sure that you and your household are fulfilling your child needs so their will be no NEED for gangs, drugs, or any other "elephants in the room."

Shira Dillon is a high school teacher in South, Central Los Angeles. Shira has over 15 years experience working with teenagers and is an expert with helping them and their parents deal with teenage issues. Ms. Dillon is the author of the book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues that share true stories from the authors life, as well as true stories from teenagers and how they deal with their problems. For more information about the book go to www.heyiwantthatbook.blogspot.com For a consultation, email me at shiradillo@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter @ShiraNicole

Are YOUR Needs Being Met?

 

Welcome to my new blog.!!! My name is Shira Dillon and I am a high school teacher in Los Angeles, CA. This blog will explore the mind and life of teenagers today and help adults better connect with them. Please come by often or subscribe so you can receive these bogs by email. And don't forget to like my FB page www.facebook.com/ParentsTeachersandTeens to unite with me to help public education become a better institution of learning. Our children need it!

 

I had an amazing time at the Tony Robbins Unleash The Power Within Conference in Los Angeles, CA from March 21-24. It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and I left on the fourth day a stronger, wiser, and better person. So what would I want to do after getting a plethora of life changing information from millionaire Tony Robbins? I shared a piece of the information with a group of people that matter to me a lot- my students.

 

When my students entered the class, we took the first few minutes copying down the 6 basic human needs identified by Tony Robbins.  I then explained these human needs as they relate to my teenage students.

1. Certainty- The need for comfort and security. My students need for their home to always be there for them and their mother to be home by 6pm, and for their school to always provide the services that they provide. Sometimes we take certainty for granted, but if any of these things were altered it would shake our world. We need for certain things to always be there.

2. Uncertainty- As complex as we are as creatures, we need for things to not always be the same. We want variety and the things that spice up life.  One year my students got their need for uncertainty from the outbreaks of fights the broke out daily.  As negative as that was, it was the only thing around that gave them that excitement of the unknown.

3. Significance- We all want to feel important and special. So when teens dye their hair purple, or take on roles varying from honors kid, band member, cheerleader, class president, or class clown these titles are all contributing to a teens significance.

4. Connection/Love- All people need love and your teen is no different. Whatever is giving your child a sense of connection is where your child is going to gravitate. For some teenager its sports, relationships, and for another teenager it can be a gang.  Both of these things are contributing to your child's need for love.

5. Growth- We all have a desire to grow and will grow. Think back to who you were 10 years ago.  I can imagine that you are not that person anymore. My 15 year old students have grown drastically since age 5. "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."- Muhammad Ali

6. Contribution- We all want to give to others in one way or another.  It doesn't have to be money. Teenagers contribute by supporting one another as well as with their talents.  A high school band played for my schools ribbon cutting ceremony last month.  That's contribution.  They didn't get paid. They just helped us out, contributed to anther school, and as a result fulfilled their own need for contribution.

Once my students understood these needs, they all agreed that they did need them and that they were very important.  I then asked them to look at these needs and tell me which needs are being fulfilled at their current school.  The results were amazing. Out of approximately 100 students, the 92 of them said that they were only getting 1 to 2 needs met in school from 8am-3pm everyday. One needs to have at least 3 of these needs being met. This means that when something else comes alone that meets at least 3 or more of these basic needs, there's a good chance that it will lure these teenagers away.

So when we feel like we are losing our teenagers to things such as, sex, drugs, and gangs its because those things are meeting their needs more than school.  Sometimes we feel like we lose teenagers to lighter issues such as their cellphones.  My students gladly admitted that they get more of their needs met with their smart phone then they get at school, home, or on their job. 

So what now?

Do the same thing that I've done with the teenagers that you know.  Explain these 6 basic needs to them and ask them to honestly evaluate what needs are getting met and which needs are not at home, in their relationships, and at school. Knowing which needs are being neglected is a sure fire way to put you in the drivers' seat and to help you become a source where your teen can get their needs met before some "elephant" comes along and negatively meet those needs for you.

Shira Dillon is a high school teacher in South, Central Los Angeles. Shira has over 15 years experience working with teenagers and is an expert with helping them and their parents deal with teenage issues. Ms. Dillon is the author of the book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues that share true stories from the authors life, as well as true stories from teenagers and how they deal with their problems. For more information about the book go to www.heyiwantthatbook.blogspot.com  For a consultation, email me at shiradillo@gmail.com
Follow me on Twitter @ShiraNicole