On April 29, 2013 I discovered that a mother in the UK forced her 14 year old daughter to get pregnant because the mother desperately wanted another baby of her own. Since she was unable, the mom pressured her young daughter to have a baby for her. The mother already had three children. The mother purchased sperm over the Internet and used a syringe to impregnate her daughter with the sperm. It worked, but the daughter lost the baby. After the miscarriage, the mother forced her daughter to go through the entire process again, and this time the daughter gave birth to a baby boy.
Why on earth would a mother ask her 14 yr. old daughter to do such a thing? And why did the 14 year girl reluctantly agree? When I presented this true story to a group of 15 year old girls, their answers were very startling.
"She wanted to gain approval from her mom. She wanted more love from her mother, and having a baby for her mother was just the act that made her think that perhaps she can finally get the love she wanted." They all explained.
This is exactly what the now teenage mother said her reasons were for allowing her mother to impregnate her so her mother can deceptively raise her daughter's child as her own son.
What is it about mother-daughter relationships that's leaving so many of our young teenagers emotionally damaged and feeling unloved in life. There is an overwhelmingly amount of students that I taught over the past 15 years that all had some issues with their mother. Ironically, I noticed that many stories in my new self-help book Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues include stories where their is a problem or the underlying barrier in the problem is the mother /daughter relationship. This include my own stories I share with my own mom. Of course our barrier was due to her poor health, nevertheless like many of my students, I wasn't satisfied with the amount of love I received from my mother and was effected by it even while trying to understand her illness. I've noticed that daughters who have fathers can feel love and becomes daddy's little girl despite what many of the dad's imperfections are as a parent. However, when it comes to the mother, oftentimes there is an issue where the daughter does not feel loved enough while the mother doesn't feel appreciated by the daughter. These two perceptions of lack that the mother and daughter experience may result in bigger issues in the relationship.
Some of the most common problems that occur in mother-daughter relationships include...
1. Jealousy/Competition
2. Physical and Verbal Abuse
3. Favoritism amongst Other Siblings
4. Issues with the "New Man" in the Mother's Life
5. Establishing a Friendship Relationship instead of a Parental Relationship
There's so much emotional and psychological damage that can occur from an impaired mother-daughter relationship that can result in so many other teen issues that it can take an entire lifetime to recover for both parent and child. Wouldn't it make sense to evaluate your relationships with your mother or daughter regularly to make sure that these common problems do not fester into serious issues that will cost you a lot of love, a lot of money, and a lot of lost time.
So in order to keep some of the most common mother-daughter problems under control, I will leave you a tip that will get you well on your way to improve the quality of the mother-daughter relationship.
Know Your Role, Accept Your Role, and Play Your Part!
There is no need for the parent and daughter to be jealous of one another. They are not in the same category and competition should not even be a thought. Parents must learn that they cannot live vicariously through their children and children must know that they cannot be their parent. Yes, daughter's inspire to be like their mom when they are young, but it is the mother's job to cultivate the daughter into her own unique and beautiful self. No matter how great a mother looks for their age, they are still the mom. No matter how young a mother was when they gave birth to their daughter, they are still the parent. Act like it!
When raising a child, there's no time for being best friends. Establishing a parental relationship with your child instead of trying to be their friend is a great way to keep the roles in tact. Being the mother gives the adult authority in the mother-daughter relationship, but it does not give the mother permission to verbally or physically abuse their children. Children imitate what they see, and if the mother spend time abusing their authority, rest assured that the daughter will eventually dismiss the mom's authority and lose all respect for the her. When this happens, it will result in a broken relationship that will serve as the base of many more problems to come.
Don't wait until things explode to do your work and fix your life. Start by honestly facing the issues that you and your teen is experiencing and begin repairing things today. There's too much at stake not to.
To further this conversation on mother-daughter relationships leave a comment below.
To check out the new self-help book that covers issues like these and many more universal teenage issues Click Here!
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