"How Do I Be Transparent?" is one of the questions I hear the most as I teach parents how to better relate to their teenagers as a teacher and parenting consultant. All of my parents are very open to the notion that in order to connect with their children they need to start a conversation. They need to not only share how they feel about an issue but they must be willing to allow their child to share how they feel about the issue as well. Once the child shares how they feel, the parent must be willing to accept what the child is saying as truth. So many times, the parent wants to influence the child's opinion that the child eventually stops sharing their true thoughts and feelings with their parent. (Which is why teens love talking to their friends.) If a parent is going to use the strategy that Oprah is so effectively doing in her Life Class with the subject of fatherless sons where thousands of viewers were able to begin their own healing process because of the way Oprah and her panel discussed the issue, then you are not going to be able to only have a conversation with your child; you must be transparent and have a purpose for the conversation.
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When I talk with teens, I am honest and I share with them at least one story from my past. This story from my past isn't some random story, but I choose the life experience that is most relevant to the situation at hand. If there is no purpose to your transparency or if the story you select is random and not suited for the situation, you won't be able to get highly effective results. There are three things that every transparent story should have in order to be a highly effective story that will bring you and your child closer together.
#1. SHOW VULNERABILITY! Teenagers need to see their parents vulnerable at times. It's a temporary moment where you are not the "I know it all parent." You are the parent that feel things emotionally just like your child. I have noticed that this serves as a problem for the mother and the father but in different ways. With the father, they are more likely not to show any vulnerability because of societal pressures to be "The Man." This destroys the intimacy and affection that the chid is looking for. With mothers, it is the exact opposite. Mothers sometimes show too much vulnerability that puts a child in a situation where they hold back on saying the honest things they want and need to say about the situation in hopes to make their mother feel better. It's too much emotion and the opportunity for meaningful conversation towards healing is lost.
#2. ADMIT A MISTAKE! You do not have to be perfect. It's a lie. We are not perfect. Our children already know it, so we can admit mistakes that we make. Even if its just a thought of worry, doubt, or admitting that you seriously messed up. Admitting to our children that we made a mistake releases the pressure off them and gives them an environment where they can be honest. No one wants to make a mistake. We all want to be perfect, but when a parent is able to say it's okay, and here's a situation I was in and I didn't make the best choice, you will be surprise on what that can do for a child. When sharing a story and being transparent, be certain to include some mistakes you've made either in thought or in deed.
#3. BE ON TOPIC! If we are honest with ourselves, we have a plethora of stories to choose from that we can share with our child, but when there is a problem and we are having a conversation to promote healing in the relationship, the story needs to be carefully selected and put together. The story that you share with your child needs to be directly related to the issue at hand. If the problem with your child has to do with a disconnection between the two of you, then share a time in your life where you disconnected from someone or thought about disconnecting. If the problem with your child has to do with suspect of drug use, then share a time in your life where you or a close friend used drugs or thought about using drugs without ever asking or accusing them of using drugs.
Depending on the situation and history, your child may not come around during the first transparency session, but having the conversation will certainly plant a seed in solid ground that will begin the healing situation for you and your child.
I found a note yesterday from a student I taught last year. Although there was no name on the note, I know who wrote the note because of the handwriting. This young girl lives with her mother and has been homeless with her for a spell. She writes often in her journal about their relationship and how difficult it is for them to get along. They both say hurtful things to one another and often times she is very disrespectful. Her mom doesn't know what to do with her and no matter what, they seem to get in an argument at least once a day. The father hears what's going on and naturally wants custody of his daughter, and many people hearing this story would think it's the right thing. But my student wants to improve things with her mom. She wants to be with her mother. It says so in the letter I found.
You can read a copy of my student's letter at www.facebook.com/ParentsTeachersandTeens and if you haven't liked the FB page be sure to like it and share it with your online friends.
I'm starting a new adventure my friends to help more and more young people have stronger relationships with their parents. Stay tune to find out how you can be a part of the solution to this much needed issue that thousands of parents and children are facing in society today. There are so many adults with broken relationships with their parents now with the responsibility to have a healthy relationship with their own children. Broken people break people! Hurting people hurt people! I have taken the challenge to bring healing to this problem so that healed people may heal others. Want you join me? To find out how you can help email me at shiradillon@gmail.com and type the word HELP in the subject line.
To get more information on the type of stories to share with your child in order to have your own "Life Class" experience and better relate to your child, grab my new self-help book dedicated to teens and beneficial to adults. Inside you will be able to read numerous transparent stories that show vulnerability, admit mistakes, and are categorize by topic. Sex, Drugs, and Other Elephants: How To Deal With Teenage Issues takes you step by step through many true stories shared by me and the students I have worked with. It is a perfect example of Life Class in action with helpful tips to bring you towards the conversation you need to have in your own parental relationship. Go to www.amazon.com/ShiraDillon and get your copy TODAY!
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